When McDonalds opened in the Soviet Union

Bombs and tanks didn’t win the Cold War–Big Macs, Nike Air Jordans and the Sony Walkman won the Cold War. It seems obvious but sometimes we have to be reminded: the freest, happiest, most peaceful, most benevolent, safest and just societies throughout all of human history embrace fully the free market. It’s not an economic issue–it’s a moral issue.

The Top 5 Things I Did This Summer (in no particular order):

1. Purchased a Bicycle:
   After riding the same bike since 6th grade I decided it was time to upgrade. Once the tax refund directly deposited itself into my checking account I picked up one of these. Now I’m not one of those obnoxious yuppie types who wears spandex and winds in and out of traffic, ignoring stop signs and yield signs with reckless abandon. I bike where you should bike: our lovely state parks and recreational areas! I haven’t got out there as much as I’d like but there’s still plenty of good weather left.




2. Went to the top of the St. Louis arch:
   Just to prove I’m not a horrible liar:
   Not a ton to say about it. It’s pretty old and kind of creaky. It takes 4 minutes to get to the top and you ride in what appears to be a decommissioned “Tilt-a-whirl” car. The top portion is about 15 ft. wide and maybe 60 ft. long. You have views of downtown St. Louis on one side and the Mississippi on the other. There’s no bathroom up there so if you have to poo don’t go!




3. Purchased an iPhone 4:
   I finally updated my original ancient 2 1/2 year old iPhone to the latest and greatest. What a piece of technology! Even if you are a Luddite who hates cellphones and portable electronics of all stripes you should buy one just to look at it–or better yet buy two and look at two!




4. Dislocated my right arm:
   What do you get when you cross an early July torrential downpour, a roll of lawnbags and a man of nearly 30 who likes to pretend he’s 9? Well nothing good. It was all fun and games on that makeshift Slip & Slide until I took an awkward tumble and popped my right arm right out of the shoulder socket. Soaking wet and trying not to move my upper body, I made my way to the Tria Orthopaedic Center where they tied a 5 pound weight to my wrist and let my arm “reduce.” After that it’s just physical therapy and unexpected doctor bills. Thankfully the government will soon cover all of my medical expenses leaving me free to act without any sort of sense of responsibility whatsoever. I love America!




5. Watched outdoor baseball in Minnesota:
   After years of only seeing the Twins play outside in places like Kansas City, I finally experienced outdoor baseball in the great north at Target Field. The Twins have let me down thus far by dropping 3 of the 5 games I’ve seen, but the $11 Walleye-on-a-stick more than makes up for that:
   

10. “Time Machine” – Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

While it’s hardly great, Napoleon Dynamite was easily one of the weirdest and funniest movies of the decade. It’s hard to pick just one scene that exemplifies that but I’ll go with Napoleon’s attempt at time travel:

9.  “Remy cooks the final dish” — Ratatouille (2007)

I like what this quick little scene says about art and culture and how we relate to it:

8. “Weight lifting” – Unbreakable (2000)

The video quality is terrible but this clip from Unbreakable is one of my favorites. The scene where Bruce Willis and his son gradually discover his power really demonstrates Shyamalan’s skills as a director. I like the gentle humor that’s woven in there as well (“How much did you put on that time?” “All of it.”)

7. “Everyone has AIDS” – Team America: World Police (2004)

Nobody lampoons self-righteous liberals and their lame productions better than Trey & Matt:

6. “I hear everything” – Superman Returns (2006)

I’m not much of a superhero movie fan but I thought Superman Returns was an elegant and extremely well put together entertainment (I realize that many people disagree with me there–maybe if they had shook the camera around more and shot the whole thing at night in the rain?). The scene of Superman taking Lois into space and explaining his dilemma as a god-like hero has a real mythic feeling to it that I like (skip ahead to 6:20ish):

5. “Birthday video” – Signs (2002)

While it might look silly on it’s own, in the context of the film the scene is absolutely startling and real. Once again Shyamalan isn’t scared to inject some wit here (“Move children! Vamanos!”):

4. “Braddock vs. Baer” – Cinderella Man (2005)

I don’t have a clip of the actual scene but the final battle between Jim Braddock and Max Baer is a tour de force of cinematography, editing and tension. Ron Howard brilliantly cuts back and forth between Russell Crowe’s family listening to the fight on the radio and the fight itself. The slow but intense way the whole thing builds is genius.

3. “Battle of the Heroes” – Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

While it’s not the best lightsaber battle in the saga–that honor goes to “Duel of the Fates” from Episode 1– this is a close runner-up. Say what you will about George Lucas’s writing abilities (he’s been nominated for more best screenplay Oscars than you have) the man can stage, frame, pace and edit an action sequence as good as anybody (John Williams doing the score doesn’t hurt either):

2. “Asthma attack” – Signs (2002)

As Roger Ebert said this is a scene that basically puts the whole movie to the side and is only about itself. Mel Gibson gives an awesome and understated performance here as he struggles with his son’s attack but also with his own faith. I love the gentle way the score creeps in as well:

1. “Carl & Ellie: Married Life” – Up (2009)

This is probably the best 4 minute sequence in Pixar movie history (and that’s saying quite a lot). No dialogue–just simple visual storytelling. Pixar proves once again you don’t need a bunch of pop culture references, obnoxious sight gags and celebrity voices to connect with an audience. If this doesn’t choke you up you have no soul:

Hey kids it’s that time of year again! Here’s a step-by-step guide to making your very own Derek Jeter Jack-O-Lantern:

1. Purchase a large-sized pumpkin from your favorite farmer’s market or grocery store.
2. Use a damp cloth to clean off all the dirt from the surface of your pumpkin.
3. You’re done!

Here’s a photo journal I’ve put together of some signs I made up (and one real one—try to guess which!) explaining how I feel about the modern American protest rally:

There, isn’t that so much more pleasant? May the hope and love that Selleck brings be with you always.

…is not Shia LaBeouf’s dad. He just wanted to clear that up.